How to spend more time responding vs reacting

At first read these two terms may seem interchangeable but they are different, especially when faced with a difficult situation.

The Latin root of the word “react” is to “do back to someone”, while the root of “respond” is to “answer someone”. When we react, it’s almost automatic and often from a place of fear or defensiveness. When we respond, our interactions tend to be more considered, informed by a broader perspective and less influenced by high emotion.

So why do we react sometimes rather than respond?

As humans, we're biologically wired to act from a place of self protection when we sense a threat of any kind. This fast reactivity was handy when faced with a saber-toothed tiger but it's not so constructive in most of our current day interactions. Note I say most - sometimes you need to act fast to secure the last brownie in a heated situation...

In earlier times, we were predominantly guided by our amygdala, which then sensed a threat and triggered a flight or flight reaction to ensure we lived another day. These same instinctive and physiological reactions occur when confronted with modern-day situations where our physical survival isn't threatened so much as our psychological survival. This can include threats to our self-identity, self-esteem or deep seated beliefs.

As we evolved, our prefrontal cortex develops that governs “higher order thinking” including analysis, planning, problem-solving and decision making. This is where we want to act from when it comes to the challenges we face with our partners. It's from our prefrontal cortex that we can engage in intentional and thoughtful decision-making which guides our thinking, emotions and behaviours to a given situation. In responding this way, you'll often find the outcome of the interaction is much more favourable to when we find ourselves reacting to a situation.

Here are some hints to let you know you may have slipped into reacting mode:

• There is more emotional intensity present.

• You often feel very defensive in the moment.

• You may find yourself almost wanting a big reaction back from your partner. Remember you're primed for fight or flight so the adrenaline may be pumping to prepare you for battle.

• It usually doesn't feel good after.

• It doesn't feel aligned to how you want to be acting.

It's easiest to slip into this mode when we're stressed, have depleted our physiological resources (i.e, haven't had enough sleep or are hangry) or emotionally dis-regulated. If you're thinking I just described the adjustment to parenting or really any difficult relationship moment, well yes, yes I did.

OK so now we know why we react, how do we spend more time responding rather than reacting?

• When you're in a calm head space, make a list of the typical moments / situations when you feel your reaction response is triggered (when your amygdala is activated). This knowledge acts to alert your prefrontal cortex that a reaction is imminent when these circumstances arise, preparing you to intervene before it occurs.

• This preparation enables you to recognise a situation when faced with one quickly. This simple act of detection means your prefrontal cortex is activated, already suppressing your amygdala's urges.

• Then, STOP. Ha.. easy right? It can take some practice but by hitting the “pause” button on the series of reactions leading you into the reacting zone, you're giving yourself several seconds to interrupt the information going to your amygdala and prevent it from causing you to react at that moment. This can mean taking some deep breathes, excusing yourself from the situation for a minute or two if possible or engaging in self talk to encourage your awareness such as “I'm doing that thing again right now where I....”. In doing this, you'll also be redirecting further details from your amygdala to your prefrontal cortex, allowing the latter to become further activated and take over control of your thinking, emotions, and behavior.

• With your prefrontal cortex in the driver's seat you're more likely to be able to draw on your problem solving ability to think with a clearer head and make a deliberate decision about how you want to respond to the situation in a way that is more aligned with who you want to be.

Read more about how you can have these conversations with the support of couples coaching generally or Coaching for Life’s Seasons.

In the meantime, take the Quiz to find out your default conflict management style and gain some handy tips for working with your personal style.