How to approach life on the same team and why this is important

Let's start with Part B of the question - Why is it important to live life on the same team as your partner?

When two people view themselves as a team, they start to act like a team. Good team members look after each other, they want each other to succeed, they view each other's failures with empathy and problem solve together.

It's not uncommon for a relationship dynamic to feel like a competition between individuals. People can slip into keeping score of the wrongs inflicted on them or talking to others outside the relationship to gain supporters for their 'side' rather than to each other. Competitors keep score and grow resentful about what they view as unfair treatment.

Searching for all the ways you're not being treated fairly isn't coming from a place of self love, it's coming from a place of insecurity. It's buying into the idea that your happiness comes from the actions of others and this idea can manifest as manipulation, guilt trips or passive-aggressive behaviour in an effort to change them so you feel better. It's not a very fun or loving place to operate from.

So what are some things we can do in our relationship to ensure we're acting from a place of 'Team Us'?

1. Set goals together

Of course, it's healthy to have individual goals too but there's so much value in setting goals as a couple about how you want your life to be.

It helps when you can view each other's actions as fitting into a broader action plan for how you want your life to be. Take this example... perhaps you're supporting a partner to take time off from family life on the weekends to pursue a hobby she/he intends to turn into a career one day. Maybe this is hard in the moment while you're waving goodbye with two kids hanging off you but it helps if you can link this into a step towards the bigger goals you've set for your relationship and the life you want to lead together.

Goals are a great grounding point for you both to revisit when you're in conflict. They are reflections of what you both wanted and agreed to when you had a clearer mind that wasn't flooded by the potentially high emotions of disagreement. Coming back to these can help to put the current issue into the context of the bigger picture and act as a guide rail for how to move forward.

2. Celebrate each other's wins

Can you relate to the feeling of competing with or comparing yourself to your partner? It's not something we might even consciously realise we're doing. However sometimes we can allow others' success to make us feel a certain way about our own accomplishments or lack thereof in that area.

If you're experiencing this, observe your feelings and then remind yourself that other's success is not a reflection on you. Tune into what you're saying to yourself about their success. If you find yourself putting a negative spin on it “This stuff always works out for him” for example, it may be worth exploring these a little bit further with some self-reflection along the lines of:

• What is it about this that feels threatening to me?

• What am I telling myself that their success means about me?

It may even help to share these openly with your partner, “I don't want to but I'm feeling a bit jealous of your success right now” and then choose to celebrate them “but that doesn't take away from how proud I am of you”. By naming your feeling and putting it out there you may even find some of the strength of the negative emotion is taken away.

3. View relationship difficulties as your collective 'problem'

Relationship dissatisfaction can be a lonely experience. Our natural tendency can be to withdraw from our partner and fight a lot of the battle internally with what we expect our partner to say or do (not what they may actually be doing). By turning towards your partner and bringing issues to the table in the context of “this is what's going on from my perspective and I value our relationship so how can we work together to move through this?” you're giving your partner an opportunity to get on your team so you can problem solve together.

This approach involves both of you taking ownership for whatever part you may be playing. Even a small amount of ownership can make a big difference in the tone of the argument. It makes the issue or dynamic caused as a result of past behaviours, the focus of the conversation, rather than dividing you into the “bad guy” and “good guy”. Obviously it's a lot harder to communicate when one or both of you are on the defence.

Turning towards each other looks like re-framing the problem as your collective problem – how are we going to solve this? This shift in perspective is not only unifying, it's a future focused problem solving approach as opposed to looking backwards which may involve a potentially hurtful and redundant analysis of the past.

So next time you feel yourself slipping your competitive jersey on, ask yourselves - how can we get back on side with each other?

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